See that blank space?
That is where my head is.
Or is it...?
You know how light/white is actually All COLORS?
Well...THIS is actually where I am now...internally.
EVERYTHING and NOTHING.
Mid-life crisis?
Nah...I have these crisis issues throughout my life so I can't chock it up to that.
I am referring to my art but it is not like I live in a vacuum(although, sometimes when I am working in my studio, it feels that way)...It IS EVERYTHING and NOTHING.
WHAT AM I DOING?
Certainly not saving the world...
Of course, I never really set out to do that.
I am intensely drawn to create, to MAKE, to use my hands, etc, and produce.
And so I start to analyze...
"Why Clay?"
Well, Clay drew me in with the touch of it.
The malleability.
The way in which it responds to touch ...but that is fleeting too...
The way it changes at different stages.
It is so responsive at first and then it is eventually DONE.
It is like Clay is telling me,
"I gave you a chance back there and you blew it...
You need to pay more attention to me when I need attention...
NOT when you feel like it...Miss Thing!"
Now, this starts me thinking,
"WHY CLAY?"
Well... As we all know(ceramic artists especially),
She/He is really tricky, that little Clay You-Know-What...
She/He lures you in and entices you and all while letting you see from existing creations what she/he is capable of becoming, as well as coyly letting you infer other future outcomes...
"If I could do that(for Voulkos, Karnes,Takeazu,fill in name of masterful artist....),
you might want to see what else I can do...Come on baby, give it a try, I dare you..."
A little slutty, no?
I mean, really.
And so for about 9 years now, I have let that little trollop in...
flirting with me, taking time away from my family, other interests,
exercise at times, giving me back problems... you name it...
And yet...Clay has thrown me a few bones:
Happiness when pieces please me visually.
Interesting discoveries that lead to more, heavier involvement.
Accolades and purchase from others that reinforce the direction I am going in.
The huge array of possibilities of what can be done with Clay...endless...
That "YOU-KNOW-WHAT" has me wrapped around his/her little finger and messes with me on a regular basis.
AND, I can't help wondering if he/she is keeping me from getting out there and meeting some NEW interest/medium/life interest...
If you are in a relationship already it's pretty hard to put yourself out there to meet others...
Just sayin'.
I mean, I feel like Clay and I have been heavily seeing each other over these nine years...
We have a history, wonderful memories, as well as knock-down, drag-out fights and really, it can be a little difficult...(exploring abuse and toxicity)...
I am in a strange place.
(As a fashion designer, I NEVER thought that I would leave....)
I consider myself an artist. I do.
What that means, REALLY, can be rather loaded...
But, is it time to explore other mediums(or even techniques, applications,genres) more seriously...
I have gone out on a few friendly dates while maintaining this "serious relationship" but I have continued to return to Clay...
I continue to knit...but not any serious fiber work...
Drawing, only to sketch pots...
As I type this, I have a sinking feeling...
Sort of like I am being a cheater even revealing these thoughts...
Meanwhile...I won't likely be DROPPING Clay like a hot potato...
BUT... before I DIG in even deeper, I feel like I should put these thoughts out there
and ask the universe for thoughts, opinions, empathy?
I have always seen other mediums coming later in life...
Don't get me wrong... I don't want to work specifically with Glass or Metal....
I may want a "three-some" with them some day...
NO... it is more about remnants of my past...
Fiber, Textiles, Jewelry... perhaps... Drawing even...
And I really think I am just getting an itch that will be satisfied if I continue to explore...without abandoning...
Just feeling very "carpe diem" but also not sure I want to do play the field so much that I never have any real intimacy and rich relationship...
On that note... I will be going into my overheated(bisque is going) studio to
"hook-up" with Clay and see what today brings...
Please don't mention this to Clay as it may just be a phase and I don't want to rock the boat....
Ahhhh, Judi! I have been sitting here staring at my blank blog space where you type in your new post, trying to think of something to say that would express what I have been feeling lately, and here you have said it all! I should just cut and paste this to my blog. I hear ya sistah!
ReplyDeleteI signed up for a weaving class this fall because I just need something fresh. I love fiber, love yarn and color and so I want to try it. I have also been knitting at night although Im not in love with it, at least it keeps my hands busy. I have that same designer background and miss it terribly some days. I have a blank head right now and yet it's also full of things I would like to try: more color, more mixed media, weaving, painting.... I suppose it's just part of being an artist and a visual person.... sigh.......
We should have coffee and talk :)
oh yeah- i get this, big time.
ReplyDeleteI have sometimes rehearse in my head this- I use to be a potter and now I ....funny I have been drawing on anything I can get my hands on. There are scraps of paper everywhere wit these flowers that are pouring out of me. I don't know why or where it will go or if it will.
But go explore .
I mean, why not?
As I wrote to Tracey:
ReplyDeleteThanks for commiserating!!! I came back around to continuing my relationship with Clay today... Fell back in love only to have tge bottom blow out of a massive piece I pulled out of the bisque fire tonight... Can't help wondering if this is just the nature of the beast and stick with it OR is this a litlle BIRDIE trying to tell me to jump ship!!, Seriously considering consulting with a psychic.
Definitely going to some drawing on my trip to Maine next week... Just see where it takes me... Even if it takes me right back...
Oh Judi- I don't see you leaving- take a break, go bake cookies. I have times when I think I should just bake cookies and stop all this clay stuff- then I am right back at it- trying to be more stubborn than the clay...I think you have to be a bit thick skinned to do this and be able to accept the loss, over and over.
ReplyDeleteUp down,up,down- it does not end.
You will figure it out.
Your work is beautiful, I hope you always continue it! I have been creative for only two years now but when I get bored with clay, I sew or make jewelry, then maybe paint for a few days, and then back to clay. It is important to mess around with other mediums, I think, because to gives you new ideas and keeps you fresh.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad Tracey's blog sent me over here to read this post. I am a painter who makes sculpture, too. The clay has long been a relief (cross-training?) from the 2D which is how I make my living. I never worry about the clay's destiny, so it is totally playing in the mud for me. But along the way, it has become a counterpoint, a partner to, another arena for exploring the same ideas I'm in to in 2D. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteHi Judi,
ReplyDeleteJust commiserating with you.
I found your site by clicking on 'next blog' for the last half hour and was struck by your musings in this article.
Funny ... I have been having the same discussions with myself.
I am a fibre artist specializing in fine art on hand-painted fabric. But 'Fibre' becomes 'put off' with me occasionally, so I fall back on dreaming of the fine watercolorist I will be one day ;) ... or I cozy up with old loves, pencil and pen & ink.
I guess we all have these moments but I hate it when these moments last for a couple of months ! Very hard on the relationship.
I am back with Fibre and I will take advantage of this tryst for as long as it lasts.
I am off to the great outdoors to be alone with my love.
I hope you and Clay have a lovely affair.